Yumejoshi 
February 21st, 2024
As I perused neocities, I came across a term called yumejoshi. I realized for nearly 5 years and maybe even more I was a Yumejoshi. The reasons for people becoming yumejoshis were interesting to me. It also made me reflect on my hypersexuality and over-intellectualize a period of my life, a flurry of confusing unadulterated feelings. I fell deeply in love with Kaneki Ken when I read Tokyo Ghoul in the 5th grade. I loved him so deeply, he was the only one for me. I liked other anime characters sure, but I loved Kaneki. It was to the point where everyone knew I loved him. In my school, people knew I loved him. My family knew I loved him. When I went in public people knew I loved him. I know this can be seen as embarrassing or cringy now, but I want to take this in earnest. I thought about him constantly. I threw him birthday parties. I spoke to him in my dreams. I wrote him letters in my diary. I only thought of him always and endlessly. Like me, he was meek and shy, a bookworm. He was endlessly tormented and different. Even if he was the strongest to ever be realized there was this pervasive weakness to him where he was always a victim similar to me. I loved him so much because he reminded me of myself. He didn't need to be beautiful, I just loved him for who he was. He was so kind and so eager to be better than he was. I bought shitty cosplays, I read everything I could about him. I read everything about him once, twice, thrice over. I begged god to let him embrace me in my coldest loneliest moments and I'd embrace him as well. Even if I wasn't enough, my body too small, my mind unable to fathom complex pains and emotions. With everything I had, I'd hold him. I loved him so so much. I felt like I was the only one who could love him. I still loved him even when I was endlessly taken advantage of. I was mocked sometimes for loving him so much. Mocked for loving someone who isn't real while someone real was forcing their fingers into my asshole just because I wouldn't fight back. Kaneki wouldn't do that to me he would help me. I disassociated sometimes. When I was being accosted and brutalized there he was similar to me. In the end, he was there for me. He was mine and no matter what anyone did I was his. I hated real people. They were so disgusting. Men especially. There was this, thing. I don't know how to describe it, but everyone was always forcing me and pushing me to be sexual always. All my life. It's like everyone wanted me to take that and embrace it even when I was a child. I was so scared I just didn't want to. I wanted to be with Kaneki. I considered myself asexual only in love with Kaneki. I was constantly inundated with sexual propositions and touched inappropriately. Leered and gazed upon. Kaneki would never do that. I hated this world because what a man was was lust and every woman I've come across was just as lustful. There was no escape it was endless. Everything just ended with sex. It's silly, but when Touka and Kaneki finally got together, as it was hinted and implied. I vomited. He had sex with her. I was jealous but, he was like everyone else. We broke up. I never was in love with anyone like that again. I couldn't yume. Because I'd just be disappointed, they would betray me. They would bare their naked bodies and lay in sin, giving themselves to temptation. I suppose I did the same. Mindnumbing moments, disassociating while I was fucked to Radiohead and no one came. Mind-numbing moments, looking for love in older men because my dad only had love for himself. Tell me I'm smart and that you are proud of me. That you love me and I'm worthy of being loved. In the end, we bare our flesh and conjoin. I trusted you, but it doesn't matter does it? You'll play the part so I give you what you desire in the end.
I miss Kankei.
I was shamed and shunned so much I've developed this impenetrable mask. I hate being myself around anyone. Walls and walls to break down I'm scared.
I miss how simple it was. It was sweet. Even though it was tragic I enjoyed our moments together.
I hate when people speak to me, the same who shunned and hurt me telling me about how much they loved Tokyo Ghoul even showing me Kaneki tattoos they got. how dare you.
Even if I've let him go don't pretend you cared for him, for me. That way.
Kaneki Ken. strange. It feels weird saying that name after all these years. Did I love him for who he was or what he represented to me? I don't know. I can't even remember sometimes, the memories have washed away.
I think in my heart I'll always love you, Kaneki Ken.
For what you were to me.