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February 2nd, 2024

Sorry for my absence

My winter semester in college has started, although I dont even know what year I am. The time drifts endlessly doesnt it? Okay it hasnt been that long! You dont have to miss me that much.
My heart is softly aching. I know thats strange, but it is. My heart is softly aching for a love ive lost, a friendship, but also how that loss irrevocably changed me. Negatively and positvely.
I wouldnt change it. I wouldnt go back and change anything. What is done is done, what is the point of reaching for the past when you can actively change the now? I had looking towards the past. It only hurts me. It makes me sad.
You know that youtuber Dream? I dont watch him, only hear the hushed whisperings of his name followed by onslaughts of well making fun of him. Its kind of funny I must admit. I was thinking about his infamous song "mask". Its not great, trite really, but sometimes when Im evaluating my mental illness I feel as trite as that song
My life I always put up this brick wall. Many faces presenting a versmillitude of the real me but its only a copy. Not exact, just lightly cracked. I am afraid of being my true self in fear of hurt. I finally started to relinnquish that fear but now ive tightened myself up again.
Its weird. strange. Its like im constantly lying but its not to hurt others its to protect myself in some capacity. I keep acting the way I think people want me, but I dont know why
I dont even know who I am truely.
Vacouous and empty.
I know im not, but in this deep hurt i feel that I am.

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